To Remarry or Not To Remarry?

“Thinking that ‘The child’s biological father did not work, if I bring in another man, everything is going to be fine’ is a very dangerous idea.”

—Sadhguru

Dear Sadhguru, I am divorced and have a six-year-old son. At times, I actually feel there is a void in me. I feel so deprived of love that I feel I need to remarry, and my son keeps questioning why he doesn’t have a father figure at home. I’m really confused…please help me.

Let’s talk about children generally, first. In today’s world, a child is not an automatic happening after marriage. There was a time when there was no other way. If you got married, children kept coming. But in today’s world, a child is not automatic, it is generally planned. You must understand that once you have a child, you have a twenty-year project. If your child is very competent, a fifteen, sixteen-year project. So when you choose or decide to have a child, you must be ready for at least a fifteen-year project. If you don’t have that commitment, you shouldn’t get into this; it is not necessary because no child is knocking on your womb and saying, “Get me born.” If you are not sure whether you can provide this kind of support or not, you shouldn’t get into that misadventure of producing children.

Thinking just one more marriage will settle the child is a very wrong idea. I am not saying it will not settle it, maybe it will. But just thinking that “The child’s biological father did not work, if I bring in another man, everything is going to be fine” is a very dangerous idea. I would say such things work only ten percent of the time. Ninety percent of the time it creates more problems than solutions. I am not questioning why you broke your marriage, it is up to you. If you have chosen to break it, you must at least make yourself competent to play the role of being a complete parent for the child in every possible way. But because you are longing for something else, the child also longs along with you. Please do not bring up your children in such helpless ways that they are always longing for someone who is not there.

You may have an eight-year-old boy. How much time does your eight-year-old want to spend with you? Barely any. He is busy with his own stuff — unless you made him into such a helpless creature that he has to cling to you all the time, otherwise he has his own things to do. That is the nature of life; children have their own things to do. You just have to keep one eye open to see that they don’t end up doing wrong things for themselves. They don’t have to do everything with you.

So, if you want to get remarried – that is up to you. That is a choice you have to make. Don’t put it on the boy. Make the boy in such a way that he neither needs you nor his father. He is fine by himself. He just needs your support and care, nothing else. Whatever you do, there will be a consequence. If you do not get married, there will be one kind of consequence. If you do get married, there will be another kind of consequence – one you have already experienced, so you may be able to handle it better – we don’t know. But both will have their consequences. And consequences need not necessarily be pleasant or unpleasant. It simply depends on how you carry them with you. If you joyfully carry the consequence, it will be a labor of love. Otherwise, it will be just labor.

Love & Grace,

Sadhguru